›Still Lost

The day I wrote “Lost”, I went to my final class of pre-practicum and spent over an hour being questioned about my skills and abilities by the head of the department. Finally, he said I had the skills to move on to practicum, but this did not make me happy. I went home angry and frustrated.

When I got home, I started to talk to my husband. The TV was never turned on, and he just sat there and listened. The time pasted quickly and with the passing of time, my feelings began to pour out in tears and words. What had been passing thoughts came out in full complete sentences clearly illustrating to my husband every bit of stress I had been experiencing.

It has been a little over a week since then, and I am still mulling through my mind trying to find my way out. Can someone show me the door?

›The Dallas Snowman

Have you ever seen a snowman in Dallas? Even though I have lived here my entire life, rarely has there even been enough snow to build a snowman. Just a few weeks ago, a “winter blast” blew in causing dreams of canceled school and 1″-2″ of snow. I stayed up all night in hopes of seeing my school’s name scroll across the bottom of the TV screen, but it never did.

The temperature dropped just as predicted, and the sleet and snow were soon to come. I went off to work with hopes of school closing early so I could be home to play in the snow. Although snow is rare in Dallas, the forecast clearly indicated a winter storm warning which was sure to bring us snow. As I sat in my chair watching the 3 kids who made it to school, I began to remember the few times I had been able to create a snowman before.

With winter nights typically in the 40’s, the ground in Dallas retains too much heat for snow to accumulate. This is what makes the allusive Dallas snowman so special. Snow does not last long in this city, but when the timing is right, the ground just might be cold enough to give the children of Dallas the chance to build a snowman.

Now, the first thing to do when snow actually sticks is to try and find any type of winter attire…waterproof gloves, a thick coat, boats, and scarf. I alway felt lucky to find a pair of yarn mittens and a couple of layers of clothes to put under a wind breaker. Even though I would quickly be wet, I rushed outside to begin the process.

The first part of the snowman is formed by the snow on the ground. This consists of snow, sleet, sticks, dirt, grass, and leaves. Kneeling on the ground and shoveling the snow with your arms into one large mound is the most effective method of creating the bottom layer. Rolling a large ball of snow, like in the movies, is never possible since the sparse layer of snow is already melting. Use as much of this snow that you can find.

The rest of the snow comes from cars and trucks. This is your cleanest snow. To find the most snow, look for vehicles in the shade. At this point, you must make an important decision….1 large ball forming a upper body/head combo or 2 small balls. Either way your snowman will not be taller than 4 feet. This part of the process might require the use of neighboring cars. Without several cars topped with a health amount of snow, the snowman will not exist.

Once the body and head are created, it is time to embellish your snowman. Grab a few sticks out from the bottom layer and jab them in the sides for arms. While gathering the snow, it most likely melted and refroze as ice making decorating difficult. Buttons will not stick to the ice for eyes and good luck finding coal! A carrot for a nose might be possible if you can dig a hole deep enough for it to stay.

After finishing off your snowman with items such as a plastic bag scarf, it is time to grab the camera. This is a special moment that may never happen again, but hurry back with the camera because the sun is out, and the skies are clear. Soon your snowman will puddle and disappear.

›Lost

Every once in a while I go through a phase where I take a good hard look at my life and what I have accomplished. I have done and seen so many things, but is where I am headed that place I want to be?

My husband is great. We are so much alike, yet just different enough to make it interesting. He supports me and my crazy ideas, making me feel like I can accomplish anything. I did not have this for a really long time. His support is making me see myself as I want to be, and now what I once thought I wanted, I am starting to doubt.

I always wanted to act. I loved to draw and sing. I found so much joy and excitement in performing. But did you know that you can be “too smart� for that kind of stuff? My parents told me this over and over. They thought money would make me happy, and I could not count on acting as a source of income.

On top of the brainwashing by my parents, I am an introvert. For years I worked in sales. I made crazy money, and I am really good at it. That money was great for about a day. Then, I was pushed to work harder and make more money. I thought people cared about me, but they really cared about the money I was making them. I did enjoy taking with my customers and helping them. I just did not like walking into an unfamiliar office and trying find a way to get to the president. Even worse is calling people.

I was supposed to go to a certain number of businesses a day, but I never went to that many. My amazing skill was to drive around town until I had calmed my anxiety. I would get out of my car just to walk around inside the building. Then, I would see one and go in. If I made it to the decision maker, I would just talk and talk until I made the sale.

What a rush!

Because I hate feeling like I messed up, I always felt like I should be making more calls or working harder even though I was the top sales person. As an introvert, I don’t think I was meant to approach strangers. As the stress and anxiety of my jobs got to me, I would get another one and move on.

Sometimes, I think I am just lazy even though my sales record and successes would show otherwise. I worked and paid my way through my undergrad. I took classes to get my real estate license which required me to take the stupid exam twice! I never fail anything…I was really pissed. And now, I teach TAKS Math in a very difficult school and am working on my masters.

What is lazy about all of that? Me. For someone else, these might be great accomplishments, but I don’t feel like anything I have done has pushed my mind or even required much of it. To not be bored with my work, I want a job full of problem solving, creating, analyzing, and good hours.

Will counseling fulfill my needs, or will I get bored with it too? I don’t think the path I am going down leads me to a solution. I already am bored with so many aspects of my soon to be new career. I need to make a change now before I get in too deep.