›Lost

Every once in a while I go through a phase where I take a good hard look at my life and what I have accomplished. I have done and seen so many things, but is where I am headed that place I want to be?

My husband is great. We are so much alike, yet just different enough to make it interesting. He supports me and my crazy ideas, making me feel like I can accomplish anything. I did not have this for a really long time. His support is making me see myself as I want to be, and now what I once thought I wanted, I am starting to doubt.

I always wanted to act. I loved to draw and sing. I found so much joy and excitement in performing. But did you know that you can be “too smart� for that kind of stuff? My parents told me this over and over. They thought money would make me happy, and I could not count on acting as a source of income.

On top of the brainwashing by my parents, I am an introvert. For years I worked in sales. I made crazy money, and I am really good at it. That money was great for about a day. Then, I was pushed to work harder and make more money. I thought people cared about me, but they really cared about the money I was making them. I did enjoy taking with my customers and helping them. I just did not like walking into an unfamiliar office and trying find a way to get to the president. Even worse is calling people.

I was supposed to go to a certain number of businesses a day, but I never went to that many. My amazing skill was to drive around town until I had calmed my anxiety. I would get out of my car just to walk around inside the building. Then, I would see one and go in. If I made it to the decision maker, I would just talk and talk until I made the sale.

What a rush!

Because I hate feeling like I messed up, I always felt like I should be making more calls or working harder even though I was the top sales person. As an introvert, I don’t think I was meant to approach strangers. As the stress and anxiety of my jobs got to me, I would get another one and move on.

Sometimes, I think I am just lazy even though my sales record and successes would show otherwise. I worked and paid my way through my undergrad. I took classes to get my real estate license which required me to take the stupid exam twice! I never fail anything…I was really pissed. And now, I teach TAKS Math in a very difficult school and am working on my masters.

What is lazy about all of that? Me. For someone else, these might be great accomplishments, but I don’t feel like anything I have done has pushed my mind or even required much of it. To not be bored with my work, I want a job full of problem solving, creating, analyzing, and good hours.

Will counseling fulfill my needs, or will I get bored with it too? I don’t think the path I am going down leads me to a solution. I already am bored with so many aspects of my soon to be new career. I need to make a change now before I get in too deep.